The Lovers — Spiritual Message of the Day
“We become dependent on other people to make us feel totally and permanently loved. This expectation … will always be defeated. … The cause [of our relationship problems] is an inability to develop an unshakable relationship with ourselves. The Higher Self is the source of love.” — Deepak Chopra (A Path to Love)
Although it may be a stereotype that the most common question asked of a Tarot reader is “When will I meet my soul mate,” there is reason for that stereotype since this (and variations on it) is a rather frequent question. When it is asked, the Lovers is a very welcome card in the reading because to the uninitiated eye, it seems to be a simple promise of a new lover coming into the picture. Of course (as is the case with all the Tarot cards) the Lovers card is much more complex than that.
One bit of advice that it offers is that the best way to find a wonderful relationship with someone else is by first developing a positive relationship with yourself. In other words, seek to love and accept who you are. In fact, when you are able to love yourself and to love how you are living your life (which comes from discovering and pursuing your deep, soul-inspired passions), you will begin to see love all around you. And when you cultivate love in your heart, your external relationships will become more aligned with the greater good and higher purpose of everyone involved.
An important aspect of this card to consider here is its inclusion of a divine figure hovering above the people on it. In antique decks, this was usually Eros, the God of Love, while in decks of the last century, we generally see an archangel. (In the RWS deck, this angel is generally regarded to be Raphael, the angel of healing.) The message we may infer from this is that before searching for a fulfilling external relationship, we should first recognize and develop our inner relationship with the Divine. Then with this sacred foundation in our hearts, the people who are right for us will appear in our lives, and we will be able to recognize and appreciate them when they do. That last point is of vital importance. The problem for many of us is not that the right person doesn’t come along. It is that when they do, we don’t realize that they are the right person since we’re evaluating potential partners with materialistic or self-indulgent criteria. With a higher spiritual connection, however, we remove such blinders and see more clearly.
Finally, this card says that when we do find a satisfying relationship, it is crucial that we realize that it is not the source of love in our lives; it is a means for us to practice and express our ability to love. (See the quote from Deepak Chopra at the beginning of this section.) With that practice, two people may use their relationship as a vehicle for spiritual awakening.
Well said, especially the part about developing a healthy and loving relationship with the divine. Thank you, James, as always!
Yes, very well said. There is a lot of wisdom in this post. More generally, one of the considerations I give when seeing this card is the question of “The Choice of Right Relationship.” But ideally the outer is matched with the inner. And as you seem to be indicating, everyone is better off when both parties have already healed, and are able to enter the relationship healthy. As has been observed two broken halves do not make a whole
heheh
Thanks for these comments, Jessica and Erik
Jessica, Yes, a healthy and loving relationship with the divine is the most essential point here. It creates a solid foundation for any earthly relationship.
Erik,
This is a complex issue, isn’t it? You bring up some important points that I’d like to address. (Note that I’m trying to clarify things; I’m not assuming that you’re saying things that I disagree with, if that makes sense.)
Yes, “two broken halves do not make a whole” but I’m not quite saying that both parties need to be healed in the sense of being totally healed. (And I’m not sure that’s really what you meant.) The thing is that virtually no one is totally healed. Also, a relationship can be a vehicle for mutual healing if we view it that way. Of course, the more healed / whole you are going into a relationship, the better it works out. Also, it’s the expectation that another person or a relationship is going to heal you (vs. you also working on your own healing) that can create a rather dysfunctional relationship. As Deepak Chopra said, the problem is when we are “dependent on other people to make us feel totally and permanently loved.”
Also, I said, “The message we may infer from this is that before searching for a fulfilling external relationship, we should first recognize and develop our inner relationship with the Divine.” However, working on that inner divine relationship doesn’t mean that we’ve perfected it by any means. I know that I have not perfected my own relationship with the divine (or with myself, for that matter), but I’m working on it, and until I started doing that, I was not able to have a great external relationship, which I now have (We recently celebrated our 20 year anniversary.)
On the other hand, Ram Dass said (in Grist for the Mill): “The true marriage is with God. The reason that you form a conscious marriage on the physical plane with a partner is in order to do the work of coming to God together.” (Note that when Ram Dass says “conscious” here, he’s referring to a level of spiritual awakening, a level of being conscious of our Divine connection.)
So a big point here is that to find a great relationship you should be being willing to work on yourself too, which includes working on your divine relationship. It’s sort of like a riff on an old saying, which we can phrase as:
When the person is ready, the (right) relationship will appear.
Hi James,
I think we are largely in agreement. We usually are when discussing tarot and spiritual development more generally. I certainly find your amplifications to be sensible and very similar to my own thoughts on the subject. If we wait until we’re perfect we’ll never get there! heheh. And congrats on your 20-year success!
I didn’t intend my previous post as arguing against your position, I just meant to add my own reflections on what is a very complex archetype with a lot of different (and valid) interpretations. Just chatting over the virtual cup of coffee as it were
Erik
Exactly.