Tarot Humor

Today I Will Nurture My Inner Demons

Recently I came across a book called “Today I Will Nourish My Inner Martyr: Affirmations for Cynics” by Ann Thornhill and Sarah Wells.  This smart little book provides a horde of humorous anti-affirmations like, “On this day I will look at my past mistakes and project them onto my future.”  (Who among us hasn’t practiced that one more than once?)  The affirmations in this book are arrogant, cynical, mean-spirited, misguided, self-congratulatory and self-pitying … and very funny as well, because they ring so true.

While this book seems like a lighthearted lampoon on the practice of doing affirmations, at the same time it serves as a giggling spotlight on the foibles of human nature.  Indeed, it seems that quite a few people must be using some of these affirmations. As an example, I opened this book at random and found this little gem: “Today I will develop a new, unhealthy communication technique.” (I have a neighbor who must say this affirmation at least once a day!)

So what does this have to do with the Tarot?  Since I have written a serious work on this subject (my Tarot Affirmations book) I thought it might be fun to write a list of humorous Tarot affirmations as well, so here they are.  (Remember now, these affirmations are strictly for fun, kids, so don’t try them at home!)

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0. Fool: “I have such firm belief in the path I have chosen that I may confidently tell someone who has chosen another path that he is a Fool.”

1. Magician: “I accept magic in my life because I have absolutely no aptitude for math and science.”

2. High Priestess: “I will remain aloof and secretive so people will think I am deep and wise.”

3. Empress: “I deserve to just sit around and wallow in self-indulgence.”

4. Emperor: “I will, in all ways, strive to exert control over the lives of those around me.”

5. Hierophant: “My beliefs are the right ones, and it is my right, duty, and destiny to impose them on the rest of the world.”

6. Lovers: “I will only commit to a relationship when I find one that is perfect in every way.”

7. Chariot: “Today I will trample the needs of others in my mad dash for success.”

8. Strength: “When I hear someone say something stupid I will put them down and shut them up.”

9. Hermit: “Since I am all that I need, it is my right to maintain a discrete distance from all the idiots in the world.”

10. The Wheel of Fortune: “Shit happens, so I give myself permission to shirk responsibility for my life.”

11. Justice: “Two wrongs will not make a right, but getting back at someone will make me feel better.”

12. Hanged Man: “Today I will find a passive-aggressive way to make someone else feel guilty about all the suffering in my life.”

13. Death: “I work to help the people around me transform their lives so that they may better accommodate my needs.”

14. Temperance: “I serve as an example of virtuous and temperate behavior so that I may chide all who fail to live up to my high standards.”

15. Devil: “Today I will nurture my inner demons.”

16. Tower: “I have every right to feel secure in the ability of my material wealth to protect me from life’s calamities.”

17. Star: “Today I will commit to at least one unrealistic goal.”

18. Moon: “Today I will find new and interesting ways to delude myself about my life.”

19. Sun: “Since I deserve boundless joy and happiness, I give myself permission to experiment with anti-depressants in reckless abandon.”

20. Judgment: “Today I will find at least one unhappy, unfortunate person whose shortcomings I can criticize with a justifiable sense of superiority.”

21. World: “Every day, and in every way, I am becoming better and better than everyone else.”

So there you have it — humorous affirmations for each of the 22 Major Arcana cards.  Perhaps someday I will add 56 more to cover the Minor Arcana, probably starting with the Swords cards, since they seem particularly well suited for this kind of thing. 

The Tarot card image on this post is from my RWS 2.0 deck. 

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